A Cynic’s Guide to Tattoos

By Diane Kollman on December 1, 2012

Tattoos are basically indestructible bumper stickers, so if people who plaster their cars with “I <3 LABRADOODLES!” seem annoying, then you may want to reconsider getting inked. Before permanently staining your body with flaming skulls, pretty flowers and the like, there are several factors you should consider. 

THE GREAT DEBATE: TO INK OR NOT TO INK

There are three prerequisites for getting a tattoo: money, purpose and patience. Can you afford to spend $200 without having to live off Ramen for a month?  Really think about your reasons for getting a tattoo. Body art for the sake of the experience or rebellion are not generally viewed as socially acceptable excuses. As symbols of bravado and defiance, tattoos carry strongly negative connotations, especially in the eyes of hiring managers. Realize that some people will disapprove of your life decisions. Don’t be impulsive! Research as much as possible about the process, especially regarding medical concerns such as chemical allergies, and take the time to think through your decision.

INTELLIGENT DESIGN

What makes an image meaningful? Many use artistic expression as the rationale behind their design, but in reality, all tattoos derive from a sense of pride in one’s identity. Whether its religion, sexuality, military status, or heritage, people enjoy flaunting their individuality. There is nothing wrong with a little vanity, but you should question whether or not a tattoo is the proper way to memorialize your deceased father or to share your love for the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Choose something that will remain personally significant to you through the next few decades.

Most importantly, WAIT. Allow the novelty of the idea to fade. If you still want the design after a year or two, then you are less likely to regret your decision later. Here are just a few of the most cliché or horrifically ugly tattoo designs that will make you want to carve your skin off later: kanji (when you do not speak Chinese or Japanese), human faces (especially celebrities), cartoon characters, the name of a significant other, psychotic clowns and boobs.

LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION

When choosing exactly which spot you wish to repeatedly stab with a needle, you must know your level of pain tolerance. The tenderest places are those devoid of muscle or fat, such as the wrists, feet, ankles, ribs, and behind the ears. Surfaces covered in nerve endings are also highly sensitive, specifically the lips, eyes, and spine. Less agonizing areas include the shoulder blades, arms, calves, and the outer sides of the thighs.

Note the associations of having tattoos in certain areas. The lower back is the famous location of the Tramp Stamp, and facial art makes for an interesting first impression with every person you meet. Placing your tattoo somewhere that is easily concealed is a good idea for those who do not wish to be perceived as unemployable.

PRICE TAG

The cost of a tattoo depends on the size, color, and complexity of design, so the best way to determine your total is to get a quote from your artist beforehand. Small and simple tattoos typically cost a minimum of $50 and a large back tattoo can cost over $2,000. Tips will be expected. Do NOT haggle with your tattoo artist! Asking for a discount means sacrificing the quality of the artwork. Higher price is usually an indication of higher ability and experience level.

THE ARTIST

This is the end-all-be-all. The design, price, and location of your tattoo do not matter if the artist is a sloppy amateur. Research different locations and artists, and pay attention to customer reviews and health ratings. Choose a specific artist based on the style shown in examples of their work. If their portfolio is not available online, you can request examples in person. Make an appointment with your preferred location and artist to discuss your design before officially making your decision.

Tattoos can be beautiful forms of artistic expression. The more time and effort you take into finding a design that embodies your personal identity, the more likely you will be to cherish your tattoo for years to come.

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