You Better Watch Out

By Timothy Hayes on December 20, 2014

Did you know your children are being watched all the time by an omniscient entity? This enormous fiend will observe your children and even take notes on their behavior for future reference. He knows where they are, where they’re going, where they’ve been, and when they go to bed. He sees them when they are sleeping: basically an overbearing parent’s wet dream.

But joking aside, this foreign surveillance network has millions of smaller minions across the globe. This unstoppable force tracks your every movement. Some might claim it is for national security, but this power observes even the slightest infractions. It sees when you gossip and who you gossip about. Whenever you sneak the cookie from the jar before dinner, they know. When you cheat, when you lie, when you don’t refill the coffee at work, you are watched.

Not only does this monster observe and note all your actions and your children’s, but they also have the audacity to intrude in your home once a year, and they are allowed to do so. They leave almost no evidence of their presence except choking hazards and dangerous hooks. They also have the audacity to eat any food you may have left out for Christmas morning. You thought the NSA was bad, but they’ve got nothing on Santa Claus.

You heard it right: Santa Claus. The Secret Antagonistic Nefarious Tenacious Association to Capture Lots of Awful, Useless Secrets. This dastardly organization has been implicated in the placement of various cameras and other electronic equipment in homes across the globe. Their minions, known as ELF (Erratic Little Fiends) have even been known to invade people’s homes and set up secret solo observation posts hiding in plain sight.

These nefarious villains have won the hearts and minds of your children! They invade your privacy! They sneak into you home! The leave electronics everywhere, steal any and all food left out, and even have the audacity to repeat their misdeeds every year on a specified date! So hide your children, lock you doors, barricade any openings to your house, and watch out! They see you when you’re sleeping. They know when you’re awake! They know if you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake!

By Timothy Hayes

Uloop Writer
I'm a Sophomore at The Ohio State University. My major is Journalism. I used to hate writing until a very passionate 6th grade teacher showed me how fun it could be. Since then, I've expanded my skills and portfolio to encompass short stories, poetry, articles, speeches, movies scripts and play scripts.

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