My Unprofessional NCAA Bracket Analysis

By Isaac Cabe on March 19, 2013
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It’s that time again! Everybody in the office sighs, fills out a NCAA men’s basketball tournament bracket, and hands it over (along with a buy-in fee) to the only guy they know who seems to actually care about this sort of thing. Every year it’s just more of the same — a “Cinderella story” here and there (despite the lack of princes desiring a bride across the board), a historically good team not making the Big Dance (we’re looking at you right now, Kentucky), and a different historically good team winning it all.

The year 2013 has been a little bit different though. We’ve seen the semi-surprising emergence of some mid-major conference teams, and though it won’t affect much until next year, conference realignment from football has mixed things up a bit and thrown in some nostalgia-based storylines for the media. But most importantly, there isn’t exactly a clear-cut team expected to win it all. This means the tournament is likely going to be one of the most exciting in recent memory. So in order to analyze this year’s March Madness in a manner that will hopefully keep up with the excitement, I’ve decided to break things down for you entirely in a Sweet 16 of limericks!

Now that we know all of the teams
That are competing in 2013,
I’ll start near the first round
And break everything down,
Even though nothing is what it seems.

At first glance this bracket might blow,
But I’m going to give it a go;
I’ll explain all the regions,
Giving little to no reason
On which teams will be kicked to the snow.

I’ll start with the East out in D.C.,
Where the regional’s really quite easy;
‘Cuse might put up a fuss,
But unless they wreck their bus,
The winner from here should be Indy.

A few from the East might fight a bit,
Like Miami or maybe Marquette;
Those two should have a date
Up in the Elite 8,
Then Indiana will throw one a hit.

One more team there that shouldn’t be spurned:
With Butler you might just get burned.
Their nice young coach Brad
Is a hell of a lad;
Their new spot in the Big East was earned.

And now moving on to the roughest:
The Midwest Region’s by far the toughest.
Hell, the 12-seed is Oregon,
And the 7th is Creighton;
Games in this set are sure to be slugfests.

There’s Duke and there’s Michigan State,
Both with coaches you love or you hate;
Louisville is on top –
We can’t know if they’ll flop,
But Rick Pitino’s still one of the greats.

Still the path for Louisville is alright,
As a 1-seed they’re not in a plight;
St. Louis could be hard,
But not the matchup of guards;
Man, St. Louis’ mascot’s a sore sight.

Out in Texas, the South looks like fun;
Take a peek here at 12-seed Akron.
Their top scorer was caught
With like 5 pounds of pot;
Poor guys’ dreams are probably done.

While this region’s not entirely cake,
There are still a few bold predictions to make:
Kansas might make the Four,
But Michigan can score;
Anyone could emerge from this shake.

This lineup’s still got some good games –
Very few are particularly lame,
Like UNC-Villanova,
Or who’s this? South Dakota?
We say Georgetown takes this region all the same.

Now here is the West in LA –
It’s a tough one to pick, we’ll say;
Very few have stated
Ohio State’s overrated
Since Jared Sullinger went to the NBA.

Gonzaga’s the 1-seed in here,
But man, they’ve got a lot to fear
Against Pitt and Wisconsin,
Then the Buckeyes or Irishmen;
They’re probably not in the finals this year.

Those are some of the best teams we’ll see;
Each is a good possibility.
I pick the Badgers to the 8,
Though I don’t like their fate,
As the Buckeyes win it out, probably.

Now that I’ve picked my Final Four,
Some of you are probably feeling quite sore;
Now go fill out your bracket
Without causing a racket,
And wipe all that sweat from your pores.

But wait, who’d I pick as my beast?
I should probably tell you at least.
L-ville over OSU
And then Georgetown too –
You went out with a bang there, Big East.

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By Isaac Cabe

Uloop Writer
As high school senior, I decided I wanted to get out of Ohio, so I went to a small private school out by Philadelphia (though it was really probably closer to Amish country). After gaining the Freshman 15 almost entirely on cheesesteaks and deciding on a change in majors, I transferred back home to THE Ohio State University. The big deal about me? I'm currently working as a Workshop Moderator and occasional contributor at Cracked.com (under a pseudonym - www.cracked.com/members/IsaaxC). Additionally, I have contributed an article or two to Listverse.com and TopTenz.net, puzzle writing to MIT's Mystery Hunt, and am currently editing a friend's novel (which is hopefully going to get published later this year). I like to think I'm a cool guy, but I'll let you be the judge of that - just this once.

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